I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
