why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
