Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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