I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize