mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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