My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
