$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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