if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
