i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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