When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
