So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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