Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
