There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
