You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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