gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
