That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
