I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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