we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
