I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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