4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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