you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
