Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
