I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
