I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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