woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
