i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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