He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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