I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
