chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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