I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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