i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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