There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
