if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
