I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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