Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
