she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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