Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Text me some of your sweat
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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