I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize