im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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