I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
