Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
