I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
