Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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