I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
