apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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