Ketchup is God's man juice
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I forget how to act sober
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