Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize