Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
