The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
