chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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