Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
