the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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