Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
