I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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