If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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