You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
