How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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