Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
