I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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